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27 September 2013 @ 12:00 am
Ive miss my tumblr, I had to delete my Instagram but I found all the photos I took while in treatment on my tumblr
13 February 2013 @ 01:49 am

I've been bulimic since 2005 when I was 14. I've hidden it well. Not so well that people haven't noticed my self harm / suicide attempt / general depression. So I got diagnosed with 'borderline personality disorder.' I've been sectioned and had several stays in hospital. I've always denied having any eating issues.

But the other day, aged 21, while my cheek was squished against my cheap green carpet before an ice cream tub full of vomit and that muscle in my chest was behaving strangely  - that was when I decided to ring my mum and go "I have something to tell you"

Fast forward, fast forward, I find myself sat in front of an 'eating disorders specialist' in a city 2 hours from mine, and for the very first time in my entire life, I am honest. I am truthful. I am very articulate and confident about all my answers, except for the one to the question "What do you think of yourself?" to which I respond by bursting into tears.
How embarrassing.

SO, I tell her everything

Her response was to have me become an inpatient.
I was like "k, cool I'll stay in hospital." I've been in a mental hospital twice, for like a month, w/e, right? Agreeing to be in another is nothing... then she mentioned about my dads health insurance possibly only covering one month. (this is england, we don't typically have private healthcare but my dad has - anyway)
and how I had to be in treatment a lot longer. I was like sorry wut but - and the doctor was talking monthS to a YEAR.

Months. Year? What.

She asked if I'd like my parents to come into the room, I was like "Sure"

So they joined us, and didn't bat an eyelid at the amount of time I'd apparently be staying. Sorry what? I know they WANT me admitted, they packed an overnight bag for my appointment, but that's because they want me 'fixed' in the nicest way possible. But months!? When was this okay?!

So it's been agreed with my consent (and mild protest of wtf THREE meals AND three snacks a day with no purging wtaf) that I will be entering treatment in a city miles from home on Monday. In a way, I'm glad. Of COURSE I want my bulimia to go die in a fucking fire. But - I will be admitted to a house FULL OF ANOREXIC UNDERWEIGHT GIRLS. 
I can't think about anything else other than how fat I'm going to feel - I know it's stupid but god, I cannot help it.

Oh yeah, and I'm 22 in < 3 weeks. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

I'm at my cousins house now, were the same age, like sisters and share friends. Everyone's planning my birthday and I'm going to be in hospital. 
I DON'T want people knowing I'm in treatment for bulimia. I don't want ANYBODY to know. 
I'm already researching Glandular Fever so I can pretend to be absent for a while.

This is my first time in treatment, it's all new and scary and I just want someone who understands and is older and wiser to hold me and tell me it's all going to be okay. 
I'm really freaking out.

Originally posted at http://bulimicbunny.dreamwidth.org/17687.html?mode=reply. xo
11 February 2013 @ 10:47 pm
I didn't even enjoy that. I felt sick and horrible the moment the food hit my stomach.
I'm surrounded by food; an empty packet of chocolate fingers, a half eaten muffin, an open packet of cookies, half eaten bar of chocolate, a full bar and two packets of bourbons left.
£3. I know how to binge on a budget.

Originally posted at http://bulimicbunny.dreamwidth.org/17429.html?mode=reply. xo
08 February 2013 @ 01:55 pm
So I found THIS POST on OhNoTheyDidn't @ LJ today. Discussing 'thigh gaps oh no'.

And it referred to this picture of Alexa Chung that she was forced to remove due to excessive hatred about her thin frame:

So she took it down. And this article mentions it again. SHOCKING. Look how THIN she is, it's DISGUSTING, such a BAD EXAMPLE omg.

In a way, I can see their point. To be underweight IS unhealthy and bad for the body and shouldn't be promoted.

... I'd just like to flip this argument for a moment.

What if I were to comment on this photograph of how SHOCKING it is because I mean look how FAT she is it's DISGUSTING such a BAD EXAMPLE.

Being overweight is unhealthy and bad for the body and shouldn't be promoted. So why don't we attack the fatties if we're going to attack the skinnies? Why do they get away with it?

Leave EVERYONE alone and shut the fuck up about it, it's events and online bullying campaigns like the one against Alexa that makes this a fucking issue. Let's not promote or draw attention to unhealthy body types at either end of the spectrum.

Originally posted at http://bulimicbunny.dreamwidth.org/17397.html?mode=reply. xo
07 February 2013 @ 11:44 pm

Maybe I will never be all the things that I want to be,
But now is not the time to cry - now's the time to find out why.

So I just ordered a takeaway, threw it up into an ice cream tub, I really need to dispose of it.
I'm sat here listening to Oasis, feeling very contemplative. I hope my letter about being on the sick comes tomorrow so I can get my housing benefit, I don't even know how much rent I owe my landlord.

Fuck. It's tuesday I'm going to hospital and I'm still 138. I don't even know how this happened. I'm not even kidding. What am I doing to myself?

Originally posted at http://bulimicbunny.dreamwidth.org/16989.html?mode=reply. xo
29 January 2013 @ 02:34 am
Idk if my landlord is up or one of my housemates but I gotta pee something terrible and - oh yeah, got a nice large bowl of vomit sat next to me. I've spent the whole day just eating and throwing up.

How about that, huh. I haven't binged this bad in a while. Bloody hell. I'm almost sickeningly impressed with myself.
I could still eat. How fucking ridiculous is that?! Somebody has to stop me, I'm on a rampage, I'm dangerous, I'm going to eat EVERYTHING - I dreamed I stole my friends sausages, I haven't eaten meat since 2003.
Honestly getting tired of leading a double life. I don't really NEED friends. All they do is make me drink and eat. I shouldn't do either. Drinking makes me eat. I need to stop drinking.

Going to read Marya Hornbacher's 'Sane'. Might help persuade me to stop drinking - that woman is my goddess, she's balsy, perfect and kicked bulimias ass to the kerb. Why can't I do the same? Why can't it fuck off? I could have bought flowers or something nice for me and Bailey with that £10. Instead I might as well have just flushed it down the toilet. Well - I essentially did.

Taken my prozac plus a zopiclone - hope I can sleep tonight. Hope too much of the above didn't get absorbed. I'm definitely going to have a coffee in the morning. If I wake up in the morning, shit, it's 3am.

Night night x
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Music: Just The Way I'm Not - All Time Low
21 January 2013 @ 02:16 am
Staying up all night watching Supersize Vs Superskinny and drinking tea.
I have to go to the jobcentre tomorrow.
Money's starting to become a problem again - as in I have none.
Really need to sort my benefits out.

Ohh I havent had my meds in 2 days and I was drinking last night, so no wonder I feel shitty.

I wish my weight was as low as my mood.
If I'm going into treatment in 2 weeks that means I have 2 weeks to lose a stone.
challenge accepted.

I need to start working out instead of sleeping all the time.